Routines must adapt to life, I guess. Had a medical procedure this morning and an oil change -- two different procedures. And here I am, midday, and I'm going to celebrate the week's good work by having soup with a friend. See you on the other side, routine!

PUSH ITEMS. Thoughts rattling around my head during a restless night’s sleep…

• Find and scan
  • 4-hand piano Walden Etude
  • “Spring” tapestry piece for sop, ob, vc
  • Chamber Music (for these distracted times)
• Update BAM website & online catalog
• Last thing: compose demo snippets
• Draft 2/27 Project press release; it will have the benefit of shaping the script which will jump-start the scripting process
• Produce the emoticard, purchase tiny pencils
  
  
• 2/27 Project google docs: 
  • budget 
  • contract agreements 
  • contract performers: viola
    • violin, viola, bass, oboe/EH, soprano
• Schedule

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I can see that as I continue this intensive journal-writing that I’m beginning to use it as a to-do list of trivial things. It has the effect of emptying my mind of distraction and worry because I know that there is a record of all the little and big tasks that should be and must be done. But it also inserts white noise and busy work into my routine and inhibits thought and reflection. As I refine my routine, I find that writing my to-do list in pencil then affords me a reflective process of editing the list into digital form for the blog. That editing also prioritizes and categorizes my work. And this calms me.
I will try taking notes on Atlas of the Heart in pencil and then refining it in blog form later in the day after I’ve started to digest what I’ve got lurking in my imagination. 
So my brain is finding its routine and I’m taking its lead. Burp out white noise; refine in digital form a short time later. Do research & composing in the morning and refine later in the afternoon in preparation for the blog. Notate music in the afternoon and evening. 
Generate. Edit. Reflect. Capture.
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GENERATIVE WORK
My routine is not so neat. My brain does not always work in a sequential manner. I found myself composing something absent-mindedly before doing the PUSH work this morning. I did not notate but remember salient traces of the melody…and after sitting at the piano and replicating what I improvised earlier, I can see it’s appeal and also that it is only the beginning of a melody with only the promise of development. 
And so it’s back to the woodshed of music-making for an hour or so. I will return later this morning to take up the PUSH agenda and research on the ATLAS OF THE HEART. 
Breané Brown:Brené Brown: “Language shows us that naming an experience doesn’t five the experience moree power, it gives üs the power of understanding and meaning.” page xxi This quote had me thinking about the original concept for the 2/27 Project. Originally, the idea was to have a scoreecard of “affects” that would be used to score every piece. I see now that providing “language” or “emoticons” provides a vocabulary for an audience and that right away, having choices (even if given limited choices) leads the listener into language. “Language shapes what we are feeling…” and provides a ramp up into a deeper self-awareness.
What has struck me about Ms Brown’s book, so far, is that she talks about her youthful experiences about emotions. She has felt that she was “numbed” from feeling strong emotions (both positive and negative) and even came to think of emotions as good or bad. Good emotions were encouraged and felt good. Bad emotions hurt and were discouraged. 
This kind of insight as we begin the 2/27 performance needs to be approached thoughtfully but should be addressed right away near the beginning.
Brown talks about the process of recognizing one’s own experience with emotions:
    Recognition of a reaction > naming that reaction > making (personal) meaning
I hate to piggy-back on Ms Brown’s thesis, but I suppose the progression of recognizing one’s emotional response(s) and naming those responses ultimately leads to the most gratifying step: making meaning of one’s own judgment(s). 
These steps also might lead to “confirmation bias” – leading to a self-satisfied place in listening to music: e.g. “I know what I like and I don’t like that…”
“...to recognize, name, and make sense of our feelings and experiences, we have to:

1. Understand how they show up in our bodies and why (biology how music moves us)
2. Get curious about how our families and communities shape our beliefs about the connection between our feelings, thoughts, and behavior (biography our own social-political-economic-family contexts)
3. Examine our go-to (behaviors our own social-political-economic-family histories & contexts), and
4. Recognize the context of what we’re feeling or thinking. What brought this on? (backstory memory)

Places we go when things are uncertain or too much page 2

• Stress • Overwhelm • Anxiety • Worry • Avoidance • Excitement • Dread • Fear • Vulnerability
  • Stress…beyond our ability to cope successfully…includes elements of unpredictability, uncontrollability, and feeling overwhelmed. Physical (body) and Psych (mind, emotion). Body is not the driver; the Mind’s assessment overwhelms the Body’s capacity to “deal with it.”
  • Overwhelmed…an extreme level of stress, cognitive intensity to the point of non-functioning. Perception of ourselves not coping with an overwhelming situation and the ability to “handle” the accompanying emotions. Shut down.